As 2014 is definitely the year of happiness…I decided channelling Kate Hudson would bring me one step closer, but not even Kate Hudson's image in a gold bikini at the forefront of my mind gave me the stamina to see barry's bootcamp through to the end. Laaaaame I know but having not seen the inside of a gym or done anything more strenuous than totter around in my heals for the last 6 weeks, there was a moment or two I could have flown of the back of my treadmill gasping. Not a look I advise channelling when David Beckham or Guy Richie could be in the room…sadly not in my class but apparently they were there last week! 
For those who are more hardcore and have better endurance than me this is the place to be. Nightclub lighting, banging music, oh and then there's the instructor's…so HOT...and they guarantee you work off 1000 calories per class (if you don't flake like some of course!!).
http://www.barrysbootcamp.com

Second step to happiness? To stop taking the cultural mecca we live in for granted and swap hangovers in darkness with museums, exhibitions and events. Today as step 1 was a failure, step two had to be actioned. And actioned it was. Somerset House's Isabella Blow exhibition welcomed us with solemn employees but the incredible clothes and hats on show soon made up for their surliness. She's a woman after my own heart with her penchant for hats…hers a little more wacky than mine I have to admit but Treacy's best and most imaginative creations are all there on show. 
What an original, brave woman she was. She knew her own mind and always played by her own rules with blatant confidence. A true inspiration. 
http://www.somersethouse.org.uk/visual-arts/isabella-blow-fashion-galore

US of A...

And here begins the adventures...hold the plane- APT hurdle number 1 has already arisen before even take off...
Security-Excuse me mam...step aside. We can smell cordite on your clothes...
APT-Uuugh wtf is cordite?
Security- Explosives, mam.
APT- Agh. Right...well that would actually be the chemical aroma of my bronzed hue, sir.
Security looks at me blankly and proceeds to swab every little thread...all clear. And what did I tell you?! Never smelt fake tan sir!?
Perhaps I took it a little far this time?!

Sin city is exactly that, a jaw dropping 24 hour adult playground. Everything has a 1960's tinge to it, like an old fading photograph, yellowing at the edges. Its like seeing through David Hockney's eyes almost...the kidney bean shaped pools and tall palms encased in white railings.
The rugged, mountainous back drop seemingly fake as a film set when pitched against the blindingly artificial neon lights of Vegas. You could surely feed the whole of Africa on Vegas' electricity bill, not to mention it's carbon footprint! Leave any responsibility at the boarder please for this is pleasure-ville, and I'm ready to embrace and indulge in it all the way when back next week, having had only a night's taster this time.

Seeing Steph drive the "RV" as they call it is HILARIOUS! Everything is super-sized as you can imagine so you can pull up at Starbucks or anywhere else but we have had some challenging tight spots to get out of in this thing, not to mention after a few margarita's! So far so good but this is definitely a test of our family bond if ever there was one, all living in such close confinement is bound to spell disaster at sooner or later!

Trucker Steph is designated driver, happily whistling along to tunes whilst Captain PT is map reader/orientation guru and in between devouring books in the back with a bloody mary in hand I'm chef, barmaid, waitress and events planner. Let's see where Harry slots in when he joins us next week...

White-trash hillbillies eat your heart out...our winnabago's been christened Shelly the Shell.

Driving through the desert the sunsets are INSANE. Bit like the angels are pulling different shades of blinds down, one over the other til nightfall.

From party-ville to redneck-ville...and boy this is a whole different sort of disney land! I could while away a whole day in the supermarket, not so much for the astounding rows of choice but just to people watch! This lot are mesmerising!
We're parking up for the night outside a house decorated to rival the vegas' lights in St George on the way to the Colorado river for some prettier scenery in the morning!

*****

Woke up this morning stone cold, I couldn't physically be wearing more clothes if I tried! I'm a human shivering scarecrow! I'm also a human alarm clock much to Steph and Dad's dismay at 5am but annoyance turned to early morning banter before getting on the road to chase the sunrise albeit a slightly disappointing one! At least at this hour Shelly needn't share the road with anyone else!

Driving through Utah on route to Arizona, with snow on the ground, the vastness of this country sets in. These towns are only slightly more modern looking than a black and white cowboy movie. The pink morning sky mirrors the deep raw rust of the menacing bolders alongside us and there are moments of silent terror as I look on to the drop below, separated only by one pathetic looking metal barrier that Shelley would easily barge through if Steph's concentration flickers even for a milli-second! 

This expansive landscape with never-ending roads makes you feel a million miles away from everything & everyone but Kenny, the Johnny's, Dolly, James T & Don are all here with us providing the appropriate backing tracks on Route 89 as UFO stations pass us by.

I forget this feeling of being totally alive every time I go away, of new surroundings heightening all senses once again. Rewired, inspired and surprisingly not tired! It makes day to day life at home seem like nothing but an existence, a survival to afford and appreciate moments such as these.

We trip over every stereo type possible on our adventure, the latest being the navajo indians selling artifacts on the side of long and dusty roads, before coming to towns dumped in the middle of nowhere but obviously still fully equipped with Mcdonald's, Walmarts and not much else!

We ditched Shelley for a brisk desert walk to the top of 1500m high canyon to look down onto the river running through it...although we didn't hang around long with a mini sandstorm blowing us a little too close to the edge for comfort…

Nicky-poo we need your astrology expertise- stars are glinting away, bright as anything, yet we question our take on the plough, plus we are now seeing dogs, sting rays and other things that I am sure need to be added to the astrology chart...although it could just be the flowing Caiparinia's impairing our starry outlook!

I've given up taking photos as the sheer beauty and scale of this place really does not translate into words or on camera which is frustrating beyond belief so my memory will have to step up in this instance!

Screw the mesmerising people of America, these rock formations are mind-blowing! Each one could be the foundations of an imaginative story, some look like fortified castles, others like the egyptian pyramids or beautiful churches. Nature has done an incredibly impressive job on it's own, and to think us humans live to destroy it most of the time!

We went from barren rich red canyons to snow covered forests in 15 minutes of driving- you would think you were in two different countries it's so contradictory! Snow is my fave though...something about the magic connotations snow conjures in one's mind, you just want to immerse yourself in it! All sparkly and pretty with the sun gleaming down on it! And today's epiphany is we all know the PTs love a party but who needs a nightclub...there's lunchtime dancing in the snow around the BBQ today!    
                                 

Duty calls...bbq-ing salmon and grilled peppers (channelling Higella, the only difference being that I'm only flying high on nature and the aromatic fumes of my marinade!) for a lazy lunch in the sunshine in certainly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been privileged to experience in my lifetime!

And PS I revoke the licence for any of you to ever criticise my london driving now that I'm at one behind Shelley's wheel...and at 7000meters high, they seem to have forgotten the barriers here!! (Soph VW take note please!!)

******

One thing missing is animals on this trip...haven't spied anything, least of all a  coyote which would be wicked! There's signs with tips on what to do if faced with a bear or a mountain lion but so far no such luck...

 

We've covered about 800 miles, never driving for more than a couple of hours but in darkness being the best to see what spectacular scenic surprise awaits us when opening the curtains the following morning!

Chit-chatting away, flitting from one subject to another. Discussing who our famous 8 dead or alive people we would like around the dinner table has produced some giggles to say the least. The Captain's decided he might come back here to relive his 3 year trip alone on horseback in south america when he was 25...but this time at 70! The man is a machine I tell you! Think he has the benjamin button miracle of getting younger with every ageing year! That's after he's tried his hand at politics having concluded our country's run by a bunch of moronic monkeys, and he's got a point to be fair!

My near frost-bitten fingers cant distract from Bryce National Park's view. Thank fuck for the internet (so you can google it) - I am so floored by this view I don't have any words in me to even come close to painting you a picture accurately! Now I know what they mean by the worldy wonders though...this isn't one of them but it should be!

Today Captain PT's been dubbed Captain Crusoe after coaxing us down a short but virtually vertical cliff-side to scout out a lunch spot...private riverside beach running through a canyon found, and within minutes the coals were smouldering, lunch cooking and the bloody mary station drained!

And we end this chapter with an icy two mile walk to an emerald rock pool. Without sounding ungrateful I think I'm all rocked out and ready to rock on in the bright lights of Vegas for a few days. Most of all a long bubble bath in the Bellagio (christmas treat for one night only!!) as Ive been averaging a shower every three days due to the below freezing temperatures every morning and evening, helped only by the freebie perfume samples in magazines! Today's smell brings memories of my too cool for school surfer boyfriend when I was 16, yesterday I thought of you Soph wearing the Marc Jacobs you used to wear!

I now have a major problem. Me, who loves innovative dance shows and anything circus orientated will now be so non-plussed when seeing a show in future because Cirque de Soleil's O show has set the bar so high! Never have I seen such an exhilarating performance in all my life. The costumes; sexy, sparkly and fluoro, the imagination behind the choreography was astounding, and the whole show focused on a magic pool with synchonized swimmers complimenting the acrobats in the air; completely defying the laws of gravity. There's no story, just an awe inspiring wildly talented team creating a dreamlike performance with circus freaks, clowns & mermaids. What fun to be on the production side of something like this- oh well, next life-time I hope!!

Steph & I came back to our room after losing a small goldmine playing black Jack, roulette and craps to find two bottles of champagne and some chocolate covered strawberries...not as sexy when sharing with your sister but it took the edge off the realisation we may be eating bread and water for a month after our return with tonight's losing streak in mind!

I just went back to the Mirage to fill my animal quota and hang with the white tigers & dolphins. Pains me somewhat though - in any normal circumstance this would be considered cruelty to animals keeping such beautiful wild beasts in a secret garden, rather than their expansive natural habitat...

And now I leave you to indulge at the Bellagio's poolside terrace on Boxing day, before getting back on the road to somewhere equally incredible I am sure.

LA boys you better be ferreting around for an NYE plan...chances are the captain may out party us all!! See you around the 30th!! Eeeeeeeek!!

*****

Glad to be out of vegas, crowds were beginning to wear on my patience. Found myself kicking people in the shins to clear a path...so much dawdling...havent you got anywhere to be people??! Next hen I organise will be there though so don't leave it too long please Dave & Pedro!!

Sky. Plane. 15,000 feet. And Jump! We all sky dived this morning including the Captain...our christmas present to each other! I've had a  re-occuring flying dream for the last few years and it feels exactly like that!! I was expecting to be shaking with fear but we were all weirdly chilled...didn't harm that I was strapped to a hot adrenaline junkie who when not sky diving is base jumping...(jumping off buildings). Apparently you jump with a parachute, then have to run for your life as you're not technically allowed to jump anywhere you wish! See you on Big Ben, Wayne! The falling sensation is incredible before he pulls the parachute, Steph's spit flew in her guys face, Harry had a nostril leak all over his...and I, for once (!!) seem to have landed without any embarrassing in-elegances!! Bucket list ticked- I've wanted to do that for 10 years and when I came across this place there was no question we were all jumping!!

Harry was in 7th heaven when we stopped at a gas station to be shown the owners collection of guns...smith and western 357 & 6 shooter twins were some of his 180 strong gun collection! Very weird that everyone just walks around with loaded guns on them!

Bbq at sunset transpires to leaving in pitchblack...head torch not enough to make me tresspass the grasses....need a body guard from the snakes...thanks HPT. Now we are on route to terrorise the small town of Selegman. Talked to myself to not aggravate, but can't promise anything…

Danced the night away with the local cowboys including an ex Hell's Angel -

who knew cowboys mixed with Jaggermeister makes for the BEST night out!!? Not sure they had ever seen anything like a PT invasion in their teeny town though! Stumbled home in the early hours to then get a knock on the RV door...apparently I had mentioned something about a houseparty...OOOOOOPS!!

Got a little bit excited arriving in LA yesterday...as we all know I do on occasion....and celebrated NYE a night early so putting myself back together with a surf lesson before round two tonight...happy new year- hope you have an amazing one!! Where the hell last year went, I do not know!! Xx

*****

I leave LA with a heavy heart...for my two favourite people I'm leaving behind as well as the dreamy lifestyle. Thank you both for an amazing couple of days, even the lack of sleep doesn't take the shine off this city for me! I love the friendly-ness of the americans, some say its fake and annoying, I don't agree whatsoever! After a fun new year's eve in west hollywood we came up to Bel Air. Eyes on stalks, these twinkly houses are even more incredible in the festive season!

The whole RV thing is very american and totally accepted throughout the states without even a second thought. What is not so cool is turning up to Bel Air in an RV- so trashy, darling! Now try being lost in Bel Air in an RV... a slightly hilarious and challenging dilemma when you need to turn around and go back the way you came in the little windy streets and part of possibly Joan Collins' or some such's garden wall has indented Shelly's side! 2014 is the year I start to actually save some pennies and begin my Bel Air house fund...

A long lunch in the Bel Air Hotel followed (hiding shelly around the corner of course!!) piecing ourselves back together whilst mourning the loss of one member of our crew (poor Steph's on her way back to work in London as we speak!!). The BAH is another mesmerisingly fascinating people watching spot...faces pulled taught in every direction, crawling with russians and a couple of actor-y types reading scripts in dark corners. The hotel is so beautiful- I'm in LOVE...a little wonderland covered in white fairy lights. Even the valets are gorgeous. To be fair everyone in this city is pretty smoking as everyone has two jobs of course as we know...the bread winner and then the dream of being an actor, director or producer! The land of the beautiful, which makes you understand the surgery obsession and how easy it can be to go waaaay too far with it when everyone is so perfect around you!!! 

Malibu makes me want to move to LA and sell houses here. We've been blessed with the weather all the way, but today we have fog. Even in this weather there are couples on the beach playing ball games or having picnics in coats. The open air, proactive lifestyle makes me very sad to be on my way outta here.

Speeding up pacific highway I can't help but think we could be in the Scottish highlands with the coast now covered in heather...until we pass a field of zebra and the realisation of this madly diverse country hits home once again!

Stopped at Hearst Castle - the sumptuous beauty of the castle only stands to confirm the unimaginable wealth of the Hearst family and their story is quite inspirational, be it Williams father who went against everyone's advice and followed his gut to make millions, or the architect (first female architect) William employed to build the castle in a position most would have shied away from due to the challenge it posed.

Sad not to have time to stop and stay at a ranch for a night to ride tomorrow but san fran calls...and we've managed to negotiate with the captain a slightly longer stay there and rid ourselves of shelly who is becoming a little tiresome at this point! A month is a long time in such close confinement and chicks need their home comforts after a while!! Plus our next stop is lunch in a little known gem called the Post Ranch Inn although it's in a town called Carmel where ladies are not allowed to wear heels higher than two inches (not that I am right now, but it's the principle!!) so the buck stops here and I can officially say I am VERY ready to get home now, despite the expected filthy winter!!

The last leg of our 3 and a half week trip provides yet more stunning sunsets you want to fly into as well as past a beach covered in elephant-seals loudly groaning amongst themselves, before settling down for the night. Our animal quota has increased substantially in this part having stopped at the Post Ranch Inn for lunch; luckily the whale watching made up for the disappointing food that burnt a rather large hole in our pockets! Screw the food, I am doubtful we will ever see scenery like that again with the restaurant perched high on a cliff over looking a deep blue sea with several whales sauntering by, blowing tufts of water, acknowledging us above.

Couldnt raise a party in the quiet but charming town of Carmel so continued to Monterey for America's best aquarium. Starfish and jelly fish are my new obsession...the latter just viewed from a far and not anywhere near me in the ocean!! How can something so beautiful be so evil- total oxymoron. Peacefully glowing and gliding through the sea, until they come across me with their stringy, stingy tentacles!!  Little fuckers! Beautiful little fuckers mind you so I will be a little more forgiving next time one gets me I think!

America has so many wonderful aspects, but one thing that continually shocks is how rigidly bossy they are in some states. Real dictators, be it the sheriff, park ranger or just the nosy bitch standing next to you who glares at you before squawking jay walking is illegal as you cross (somewhat illegally admittedly!!)  We have encountered signs in some places which literally list what you cannot do, and these were long lists I tell you!! The Captain, being a contrary soul of course, prides himself on parking wherever the most illegal spot might be, and tests the limits with anything else that stands in our way! Life is but a game to him...quite amusing, although there have been many an embarrassing moment too! Saying this the west coast sun is incredibly tempting and the diversity America offers in every respect is astounding to say the least. This was a trip where memories were made, full of laughter in beautiful surroundings for the most part!

 

Im all for embracing everyone's different take on christmas but seriously...this tree is a step too far...could it get more mechanical...totally the opposite to what christmas is all about...in fact it looks like it's made of post it notes...I went up close thinking maybe it was actually a cute idea with messages written on it...but no...it's just plain, old ugly for no reason.

 

 

Don't just stick to traditional Christmas decor…DIY candles provide original impact made from cherry tomatoes submerged in water with wax pellets on top with a wick through the middle…